Little White Lies
by Chinese Bakery
Summary: It was ironically fitting for this conversation to take place in that parking lot where he had laid himself bare, only to watch her face pale with horror. Truths left unsaid at the end of The Merger.


**Title**: Little White Lies  
**Author**: chinesebakery  
**Characters**: Pam/Jim, Jim/Karen  
**Rating**: PG-13  
**Spoilers**: 3x08, "The Merger"  
**Summary**: It was ironically fitting for this conversation to take place in that parking lot where he had laid himself bare, only to watch her face pale with horror. Truths left unsaid at the end of "The Merger".  
**A/N**: Thanks to becoolbec for the beta.

* * *

"What's up?"

It was ironically fitting, Jim thought, for this conversation to take place in that parking lot where he had laid himself bare, only to watch her face pale with horror.

"Oh, nothing. I just feel bad. I feel like things were a little weird today... or something," he tried, and immediately berated himself.

"What do you mean?" Pam frowned, and suddenly, he didn't know what to do with his hands and it was hard to stand still.

He had prepared for this moment. He'd rehearsed it in his head all day long, and the day before, and the one before that, but now he couldn't remember any of his eloquent tirades.

"I just think I should tell you that I've sort of started seeing someone, so..." he started, only to realize mid-sentence he didn't know how to finish that thought. Once more, he felt like a complete idiot. But what could he possibly say?

'_So, you see, I'm totally over you. Really. I swear. Honest. I don't even care anymore that you couldn't be bothered telling me you had called your wedding off.'_

'_So, now I have someone to come back to each night, after wasting nine solid hours pining for you. Aha! Does it hurt? I __sure hope it does.'_

'_So, would you please tell me that it bothers you just a little bit? You don't have to mean it. Just say it.'_

'_So, I'm apparently that complete jerk who bangs one girl while thinking of another and God, I'm such a fucking idiot. __Do you happen to keep a corkscrew in your trunk? My girlfriend, you know, that woman who isn't you, seems to think it's all you need to achieve a perfect lobotomy and oh, do I need one.'_

'_So, one word from you and I'll instantly ditch her by text and take you home to do all those things I've been daydreaming about all day, even though I swore to myself I wouldn't, we can go to my new place or yours, I'll leave that to you entirely, please. Please. Please.'_

On second thought, Jim decided to just let the sentence hang in the air. Some truths were better left unsaid.

------

It was a little like falling, only much slower. Something was forming in her throat, a foreign ache building up only to slip down to her chest, spreading its sourness lower still, all the way to the ground.

She had wished for so much. She had wasted so many nights picturing their first real encounter in her head. In her carefully, lengthily thought-up plan, when she'd ask him out for coffee, he wouldn't have other plans for the night. Instead, he'd smile that bright, toothy smile that did funny things to her stomach. They would chat about nothing and everything, and she'd tell him about the art classes, the new place, the new Pam. She'd let him know she was finally growing up. She'd proudly list all the pranks she cooked up for Dwight on her very own, and he'd laugh and look at her, eyes sparkling with mischief. She would say how much she'd missed him, and it would be almost like before only much, much better because of the distinct possibilities for something more.

Her hands were shaking. She hoped he wouldn't notice.

"I think it's totally cool. You can do whatever you want," she blurted out, her voice tight and forcedly cheerful.

Pam silently cursed and bit the inside of her cheek. That was such a stupid thing to say. Obviously he didn't inform her of his dating status to gain her approval. He was telling her that whatever could have been was over. It felt like something was missing from her moronic reply though, a crucial bit of information she thought he should know, but had no idea how to word.

'_That's too bad, though, __because I've finally realized I've been in love with you all that time, but that doesn't matter, really. I'll get used to feeling like you just run me over with your car, I'm sure.'_

'_I wasn'__t interested anyway. Sure, I ended a ten years relationship just a few weeks after you declared yourself but that was completely unrelated, like you obviously guessed. I'm happy for you. Please don't mind me banging my head on the edge of your car roof.' _

'_I'm so relieved. I was worried about you after you left because you looked so miserable. It's great to know you're all better now. I guess it was only a temporary thing. Maybe I shouldn't have cancelled my wedding for you after all. I'm sorry, did that sound bitter?'_

'_Are you enjoying this? I think maybe you might be and the idea terrifies me because the Jim I'm in love with wouldn't, and why is nothing the way it's supposed to be?'_

'_I'm seeing someone too, by the way, it's Kelly's neighbor and sure, he's a nightmare and technically we__ only met once, but I think I'll just throw myself at him now because my life couldn't possibly get worse anyway and I've been so lonely. So lonely.'_

All things considered, Pam decided to stop at that and concentrate on holding back her tears, because some things only get real if you say them at loud.

------

"Okay. Good," he chuckled. It was such a _Pam_ thing to say. Way to avoid the elephant in the room, as always. But that was fine by him, really. It was time for that specific elephant to die of old age. Or possibly kill itself. By any means, he wanted it buried in a ground.

"We're friends. We'll always be friends," she said again, and Jim felt his blood quickly reach

boiling point.

And there was this urge, this overpowering need to grab her shoulders to shake her really hard, to scream that they'd never been friends in the first place, that _he_ had never been that much of a friend but rather an idiot who sat there and hoped and daydreamed and yearned and suffered and lusted and ached, and that he'd rather blow his brains in the middle of Dunder Mifflin's parking lot than start all over again. He had told her, that night, that he didn't want to be just her friend anymore. Had she not paid attention at all?

Or maybe he could just shove her against the car to kiss her for all he was worth, slip a hand under a sweater to find out if the skin of her stomach still felt so fragile and soft as it had that one time he'd gotten a little carried away, and really, this little reunion scene was taking a terrible, _terrible_ direction. Karen was waiting for him. Karen, whose skin was perfectly soft as well.

"Right," he acknowledged her last statement as pleasantly as he possibly could.

"It's good to have you back."

"Yeah. Good to be back," he concurred, deciding on the spot that it was the absolute worse thing to have ever happened to him. He would never tell her so, obviously. Those little white lies were what kept his life manageable.

------

As she drove home, Pam told herself it was only one of those days. The kind that made her want to crawl home, have a bubble bath, order a pizza with extra cheese and eventually fall asleep on the couch with the TV on, while the remnants of a Ben & Jerry's pint softly melted on the coffee table. She had had a lot of those over the past six months, she just never expected _this_ day to turn into one.

She had spent the past six months holding onto a possibility that didn't even exist. She had clung to the idea that when she'd felt ready to start a new chapter of her life, she would give him a call, joke around, gently sink back into their routine until they were comfortable with each other again. And then she'd finally tell him everything she couldn't say when she stood there, panicked and unprepared while he told her he loved her.

The merger had precipitated everything but had also allowed her to understand she had been ready for a long time. Only, he hadn't been waiting. Sure, she hadn't exactly told him he had something to wait up for, but couldn't he have guessed?

Just one of those days, she reminded herself, blinking until the room stopped looking blurry.

On those days, if Pam dared thinking about the current state of her life, professional, romantic and otherwise, she inevitably wondered if she was really doing everything wrong or if everybody secretly felt so lonely, morose and generally disappointed, but made a much more decent job at hiding it. Maybe she should spend less time with Toby. He couldn't hide that very well either, and that's precisely what had brought them closer in the first place. Of course, Toby thought she was mourning her relationship with Roy and she had never bothered setting him straight. Sometimes, harmless little half-lies were what it took to make a new friend.

------

"I still think you should have given me a head's up about that Scott dude. I came completely unprepared!"

"And ruin the surprise? I just couldn't. Besides, nothing I could have said would have prepared you for _that_, right?"

He smirked like he meant it and downed his third beer just a little too quickly, gesturing for the bartender to pour another. Karen gave him a long questioning look but thankfully, she didn't mention his increasing inebriation. They drank in silence for a moment, or maybe Karen was speaking, but his brain wasn't really registering her voice until her hand grabbed his.

"It must be weird for you, seeing all these people again."

"Yeah," he sighed to his glass. _'You have no idea. Literally. If you did, you wouldn't be sitting here,' _he silently completed, hating himself for it.

Then, on impulse, he grabbed her neck and kissed her, just a little more demonstratively that he usually would in public, just to erase that last thought, if not every thought altogether. She tasted like beer and peanuts, her hand lightly stroked the back of his head, and it wasn't so bad.

When he released her, she beamed like it was a pleasant surprise, being unceremoniously kissed in the middle of a bar by a semi-drunk man who was still very much in love with someone else.

"Let's get out of here," he whispered to her neck.

"Okay," Karen grinned, tossing her credit card on the bar. "Who would have thought being reunited with Michael Scott would render you so amorous?"

If she hadn't turned her back to him to put on her coat, she might have observed that his smirk had now turned into a sour grimace; his long hands into tight fists. And later, if she hadn't been so happy that he'd spontaneously offered for her to stay the night, she might have gotten a little concerned about the way he roughly shoved her against the wall, his breathing erratic as he desperately tugged at her shirt. But on the spur of the moment, she was only too pleased with his newfound enthusiasm. Some things were better gone unnoticed.

------


End file.
